Liberal wisdom is that government agencies have no other goal but to serve the public and that if they often fail to do what they were created to do, it is only because mean, selfish rich people refuse to give them seventy percent of their earnings.

Today I had the misfortune of having to visit the Hollywood Office of the California DMV. My experience of that visit completely justifies why the term “California DMV” has become synonymous in the pop culture, with the kind of Kafkian, petty, vindictive, de-humanizing bureaucracy whose operating principle is that taxpayers are but an excuse to provide them with salary, and other employment related benefits and perks.

Allow me to brighten your day with my account of how our inept and unhelpful government bureaucrats, can put their irrational motivations to the purpose of brilliantly wasting everyone’s time:

The reason for our visit was my son’s driving test. We made an online appointment days in advance. We arrived seven minutes late and joined the line of customers under a sign that says “Appointments Only.” The ‘helpful’ and ‘bright’ young woman directing customers like laboratory rats through a maze gave us a form to fill out.

We returned to the line ten minutes later; smart form filled in hand. We were given a cue code composed of a letter and three numbers brilliantly printed on paper ribbon, Whoa! Spiffy technology; patiently we waited for our combination to be called like in a bingo parlor. After a while (it was a good day) a robotic voice called our code directing us to a window where we were asked a few question and solicited to produce a number of documents by a young man. Still no test.

Eventually we were told that the previous DMV employee, “the person in charge of directing customers to their destination” had completely mislead us, that we were on the wrong window and that we needed to go to ‘window 20’ to be processed.

But what about the orderly line, the computer coded printout, the online appointment? The robotic voice? Was it all for nothing?

Thinking this to be just a minor inconvenience we march to the side of the rat maze, where ‘window 20’ was located, still thinking we had a pretty good chance of accomplishing what we came for. Of course, we were just being naïve; upon arriving at ‘window 20’ we were told that we had missed our appointment because we were ‘late.’

I tried to reason with the person at the window by explaining that we were ‘late’ only because the person in charge of the rat maze was of no help to us poor guinea pigs. Foolishly I failed to notice they were all not adversaries but accomplices. I have suddenly entered the California driver’s Penal Colony. The Drivers License Devil’s Island, not the department of Motor Vehicles but the Gulag of Motor Vehicles.

The Satanic Principality manning Psy Ops at window 20 rather that being remotely helpful promptly questioned my veracity and applied full force the four basic corporate principles of the California DMV. One; “remember always to be oppositional and defiant to your clients.” Two; “always make your decision prior to listening to the evidence.” And, three “everyone is guilty even after they prove themselves innocent.”

Our conversation was certainly too Byzantine and surreal so as to try to repeat it here, but it generally spun around her attempt to establish a time line in support of her impulsive and now irrevocable decision. I tried –unsuccessfully- to defuse her antagonism by stating that I was willing to admit part of responsibility for our tardiness but wanted to know if the Department was going to offer any relief for sending us with the wrong form to the wrong window? Superciliously she put us aside and said she would have to talk to her supervisor.

Then she continued to process other clients and line up their petitions ahead of ours. Rejecting some of them at random to contribute to the general confusion and chaos of the place; we witness one person being rejected for not having a vehicle registration and another accepted without vehicle registration. One lady was sent packing for bringing to the test his auto insurance policy but not his “evidence of insurance policy.”

I was confused, isn’t the ‘evidence of insurance’ card something created so that you don’t have to drive around with the whole bloody insurance contract in your globe compartment?

Then after a good while she again acknowledge our presence as low mortals in the presence of a deity, affirming that ‘appointments were not guaranteed’ and that we have no recourse but to go to the end of the line and wait.

Until then, I have just thought she was blunt and stupid but from that point on I gain insight on the meaning of being in the presence of pure evil.

This may come to you as a surprise, but sometimes I suspect that petty government officials have not the best intentions for their customers, that they are not often animated for a desire to serve the public but instead by a lust for brandishing whatever minuscule power they believe to be endowed with, against those poor souls who seek their counsel.

This is in contradiction with the Liberal theory of a helpful and caring government. For example the DMV does not even have a formal process for citizens to complain against the arbitrary ineptitude of its cadres. Talking to an office supervisor is just that; talking. The citizens of California have less rights with respect of their DMV that those enemy combatants at Camp Gtmo.

We were not surprised by our experience; the real surprise would have been to find someone wanting to be helpful in the California Penal Colony for drivers since their workers have nothing to gain by being solicitous and professional. If you doubt my claim I urge you to conduct a simple internet search with the following key; “California DMV+ h-e-l-l.” You will find it produces 280, 000 results.

Knowing like I know that state employees live in a Soviet time warp where they are not in the least accountable for their actions I do not believe that a simple administrative process may produce significant change.

Not do I believe that those civil service rejects vegetating in the halls of vehicular larceny are going to be embarrassed into providing better service by this post. I haven’t noticed them to have any pride or sense of accomplishment in their work.

I just though people may benefit from learning the proper rules of whatever sick administrative games we become unsuspected participants of once we need to renew a license, obtain an ID, move from another state, or whatever other false pretenses they use to lure people into their rotten establishment.

Today, I have the privilege of playing the “You are late” game, but I understand there are many others they play. For example; the “I didn’t tell you but you are missing a document game,” or the “we can’t verify you are who you say you are” game, “we only accept that form you don’t happen to have and none other” game, etc.

It seems the public offices are an adult arcade with the general purpose of increasing the amount of work and effort dedicated to the simplest of tasks while forcing the client to have to come back and suffer as much aggravation as possible; evidently an accomplishment made only possible by a highly developed Socialist Society.

Here is a question; why is it that even after the crashing fall of the Soviet Union there are still so many politicians in our country implementing the old Soviet model?

And another; why don’t we just privatize the whole thing?